Five Ways To Approach Me(n)

My ex had game. That’s how she got me.

She was taller than the rest of the girls she came into the club with, so it was easy for me to stay focused on her. As my group and her group crossed paths, my eyes were firmly locked on her. She noticed, smiled, and as she walked by, she ran her hand across my stomach, said, “Hey” and then kept walking. She didn’t stop to talk. Just kept walking. Meanwhile I was stuck for what felt like forever but probably only two minutes. Later, I introduced myself to her.

The most advanced women, free thinkers not bound by traditionalism, understand the fine art of approaching a man and that doing so is not only acceptable, but it’s appreciated. Still, some women remain shy. They’re tired of standing around looking cute, and want to take matters into their own hand, but don’t quite know how to do so without coming off looking fast or desperate.

For these women, I have devised the following: Five ways to approach a man based on how I would like a woman to approach me. Read it, then come here.

ENOUGH WITH THE “HI” STUFF, ASK A QUESTION

Unless the girl is going to run her hand across my stomach to add some spice to an otherwise vanilla phrase, I don’t want to hear a simple, “Hi” or “Hey.” I want something more along the lines of, “Hi, I have a question…” This gets me interested and it keeps me on my toes instead of letting my mind and eyes wander to places it shouldn’t. A woman who says, “Hi” is simply going to get a “Hi” back. A woman who says, “Hi, I have a question…” has me thinking and anticipating already. I put down my drink for her.

CRACK A JOKE ON ME

Some men are sensitive. I’m one of them. But if there’s one thing I know how to do, it’s masking my sensitivity in humor. Okay, so I wore a shirt that looks like my mom made it in a sewing class she took at the YMCA. Just say that, please! Any woman quick with a joke is going to get my full attention. That whole personality-trumps-looks-thing may not work over an extended period of time, but trust me, for one night, the funny girl will always beat the pretty one.

TAKE MY HAT, PLAY WITH MY TIE

These two things fall under the same umbrella because they basically have the same affect. No explanation necessary, just do one of these two things, or if you’re feeling frisky, do both. They work, very, very, very well. Do them once and watch what happens. Thank me later.

WINK AT ME

The gesture worth more than a thousand words. This is an approach without approaching, kind of like a magic trick. Now maybe it’s just me (I really hope it isn’t because if it is something is wrong with me), but I feel like we are living in a generation of girls whose mamas did not teach them how to wink.

Get it down pat ladies and just do it. Wink at me from across the room and trust me, I’ll handle the rest. It’s better than a smile (too unassuming), it’s better than a wave (too desperate), and it’s definitely better than a crooked finger (too stripper-ish). The wink is friendly but not desperate, classy, not trashy, and above all, the most subtle approach a woman can come up with.

Oh, and here’s a quick tip: Don’t do it standing there looking cute, walk by him and as you’re making your way, wink, then as you were. If he’s the type of man who likes women and knows what to do with them, he’s going to handle the rest.

COMPLIMENTS WORK IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE

A few years ago, I was on the subway coming home and I saw a cute girl get on, so I went to sit by her. Before I could even an utter a word, the girl said, “Nice shoes.” I forgot what shoes I was wearing, but clearly they were my lucky ones.

Her compliment disarmed me completely. I had a whole approach already worked out in my head, but what the compliment did was it neutralized the situation. She wasn’t going to get gamed into my charm, if anything, she was going to game me into hers. Now I had to think of a way to follow up without sounding conceited and the best I could come up with was, “Thank you.” Then, for a moment I was stuck on what to say next. Eventually I did say something, and to this day, we remain friends who have yet to sleep together. Thus, her game continues to work while mine continues to fail.